Witcher Man and the Case of the Guillotine Society, pt. 9


James’s Note: I know these days alot of people are kinda over vampires. I do get it. Twilight was the culmination of them being done to undeath. But I still love them, espeacialy when they’re explored in some interesting ways. And yes, my vampires eat ice cream. From a chemical stand point, it makes sense. So does coconut water, but that’s not as funny as a whiskey float.


Israel rode with me and gave directions to a club on the even seedier side of downtown. My mini slipped through the streets of Houston like an oiled ferret. Ever since I had it magically reconstructed, it just seemed to do everything a little bit better. I’d only had to fill it up a couple of times, it’s already amazing gas mileage apparently having been amplified. It also handled like the laws of physics had decided not to be too hard on it, because it was a good car who had been through a lot. 

We pulled up in front of a nondescript  block of a building. The front was boarded up, but if you went around back there was a bouncer standing next to what was obviously now the main entrance.

The bouncer, who looked like he was auditioning for a post apocalyptic biker gang, gave me the Ojo until Israel strode up and shook his hand. I was disappointed that it didn’t appear to be a super secret squirrel vampire handshake, but it did get us in the club.

Once inside, we were met by another vampire, this one with a truly epic mohawk. His respect for Israel was clear in his body language. They might have had their differences, but these vampires definitely held my new associate in high esteem. 

The vampiric version of a cockatoo lead us through the club, past the writhing bodies on the dance floor and the palpable cloud of hormones that surrounded the mass of flirtatious singles at the bar. Unusually for a bar, a surprising number of people were eating various creative ice cream dishes, in addition to the usual alcohol. This would seem strange until you realize that milk has a similar make up to blood. While it won’t give them any nourishment, dairy is one of the few human foods vampires can actually eat.

Israel and I ended up in what I assumed was one of the VIP lounges. Like the rest of the club, there was a notable lack of windows. The couches we were sitting on were plush and comfortable. There was even a ridiculously attractive redhead working the bar in the corner. She smiled at me and leaned forward, showing a level of cleavage that would have caused a television sensor to self immolate in protest. I blushed ferociously and became very interested in the wallpaper. Okay, so I’m not good with girls in these kinds of situations. Sue me.

Much to my horror, this did not go unnoticed by Israel. He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “I think she likes you.”

“Silence, vampire,” I snapped back under my breath, my embarrassment growing like a horrible red homunculus.

Israel grinned like an evil vampiric god of mischief. “Come on Witcher man, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you didn’t have much experience with the ladies.”

Apparently the look on my face betrayed me. Israel raised an eyebrow and then seemed to grin even wider. 

“Wait,” he whispered, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you actually a…”

“I swear to the Living God, I will shoot you in the crotch.” Apparently the crazy eye I was giving him was enough to convince him that I might not have been entirely joking.

Israel held up a hand in surrender. “None of my business. I just wouldn’t have thought it out of a modern, worldly man like yourself.”

At this point there was so much blood rushing to my face, I was probably giving all the nearby vampires a contact high. I leaned forward closer, whispering even lower, desperate not to be overheard. “I’m a little old-fashioned, OK? Besides, it’s not like I get a ton of opportunities to date in this line of work.”

There were other reasons that my romantic experience was somewhat, well, limited, but they weren’t the sort of thing I wanted to go into in a club full of vampires.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24

Click Here To Read More of Our Stories

Join the Conversation

1 Comment

  1. Nothing is as funny as a whiskey float. Except maybe the vampire version of a cockatoo. I hope eventually to live long enough to achieve that. Even once.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: